as written in my diaries from earlier days i was afraid of having failed in life at the age of 30. i apparently didnt have much trust in myself. dealing with my ancient fears is part 2 of my mid30-inventory. this time: the fear of dying one day as a silly consumer, without having verified that there is some creative potential inside me, to leave the world without any proof of existence so to speak. fun fact: (the possibility of) having children wasnt mentioned in any diary at all…
anyways, my creative output so far:
writing appears to be the thing for me. i’m writing pretty much since i am able to hold a pen. on the one hand there is a huge amout of diaries and autobiographic texts. on the other hand there are myriads of sheets and files containing short stories, longer stories (fragments mostly) and rather experimental stuff. a decade ago i got the opportunity to read in front of a small and hand-picked audience and i won a small contest. i was part of several writing projects as well. in view of this huge amount of fragments, the idea of completing (not necessarily publishing) a book still lives on. got rather close twice already. recently my writing became more and more some sort of self-therapy though.
using all kinds of software tools as my idea of “making music” (which mostly isnt more than experimenting around) feels a whole lot more creative than writing that became way too normal over the years. earlier days i made tons of loops and some fragmented tracks as well. nowadays i’m focussing on what i call “enriched field recordings”, following the idea of combining “organic” (aleatoric) parts with all sterile, solid and predictable parts. growing plants on concrete. recently i was experimenting with ambient, binaural beats and field recordings. when i got the offer of being published by a netlabel a longer while ago, i immediately lost interest though. not sure why. maybe it was too easy in the end, a lack of challenge. almost killed the vibe. no real aims here.
a couple of years ago i won an art contest together with a friend, publicly performing an interactive sonification of one of his paintings. concept was winner, i’d say but crowd and jury appreciated it. the idea of sonifying visual art isn’t new. in earlier days i wrote a code for automatic sonification of the groundplan of le corbusier’s villa savoye together with a buddy. no real aims here as well. proving potentials from time to time seems to do the trick here as well. ah, almost forgot to mention: in school i managed to be exhibited with a painting at local town hall’s corridor for a week.
since i have a real job and certainly would never be able to live from my “art” (or even feeding a family) successfully reduces pressure on myself concerning my “creative output”. most of the time i enjoy being a consumer indeed…